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Loosening
up the Brits
- James Clarke
A Springbok rugby player has been quoted as saying the
English are a "stuffy people". The British
Prime Minister, Tony Blair, agrees. Some time ago he
appealed to young Britons to show their emotions more
and wear ties less.
Sir Rodney Ffeines Featherstone-Hough - nephew of Lord
Westland, chairman of the Mad Cow Control Board and
the Blood Sports Preservation Society - sits at his
customary end of the long dinner table uttering the
occasional hurumph. He is a portly man in his late 60s.
A hurumph - a kind of cough - is a peculiarly English
expression indicating irritation. It is not done to
ask a fellow why he his hurumphing but Lady Jane, Rodney's
wife, has never been one for convention. She is seated
at the other end of the table but still within hailing
distance. "Wodney! Wot on arth is the mattah?"
"It's this fellow, Blair."
"Blaar?"
"The Prime Minister chap."
"I think he's wather cute, actually."
"Cute like a fox, m'dear. He says the English
must throw away their ties and express their emotions.
What else can one expect from a Prime Minister who calls
himself Tony? Imagine Anthony Eden calling himself Tony!
Hurumph!"
"I agwee it's widiculous! Imagine, deah boy,
you walking into the club (itals)sans(unitals) tie!"
She laughs at the thought.
"I don't even bath without a tie," says
Sir Rodney. "As for showing emotion - does Blair
want to have men running around kissing each other like
those garlic-eating Frogs across the Channel?"
"But I thought your Conservative Party palls
kiss each other all the time," says Jane.
Rodney, chasing a pea round his plate, does not seem
to hear.
"Anyway, you cannot change a country like that,"
says Sir Rodney. "Imagine trying to change Italy
from being a bottom-pinching, carousing, noisy, nation-without-ties
into something, well, civilised, like England!"
Sir Rodney stabs the pea rather viciously.
Lady Jane leans forward: "Wodders?"
Rodney "What is it my dear?"
"Take awff your tie!"
"What? At dinner!"
"Take it awff! Go on!"
"Don't be absurd."
At this moment the butler walks in and Rodney says:
"Ah, Roehampton. A little more wine ... and did
you happen to read The Times this morning?"
"You mean, Sir, Mr Blair's appeal to the English
to loosen up a bit?'
"Quite."
"Frankly, Sir, the gentleman's statement shocked
me."
Suddenly Lady Jane says: "Roehampton! Take awff
your tie!"
"I beg your poddon moddom?"
It is like asking Roehampton to remove his teeth and
he is acutely embarrassed, but after several more entreaties
he reluctantly removes it and is even persuaded to undo
his collar revealing a breastbone as white as an uncooked
chicken.
As the confused butler withdraws from the room Lady
Brenda succeeds in badgering her husband into removing
his tie. She even gets him to undo two shirt buttons.
She then persuades him to remove his jacket.
Roehampton re-enters - his grey tie neatly restored.
He sees Sir Rodney with his trouser braces exposed and
drops the tray in astonishment.
Lady Jane shrieks with laughter.
Not far away, across the square and down The Mall,
Elizabeth, Queen of England, leans forward and says:
"Philip ... remove your tie." He mutters something
distinctly nautical.
After more persuasion and with an uncomplimentary
remark about Blair, he removes his Royal Navy Reserve
tie.
Another tray clatters to the floor.
All over England trays are clattering to the floor.
The informalisation of Britain has begun, slowly and
painfully.
Meanwhile, across town, Tony Blair eats his dinner
- wearing his old school tie.
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