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Tips for
Hikers - James
Clarke
I haven't been hiking lately. I was put off to some
extent by the seriousness of hikers. It was often my
luck to meet up with Germans named Wolfgang or Brunhilde.
Not that I dislike Germans - quite the contrary.
The problem is they hike with a religious intensity.
They race ahead and then wait, patiently enough, for
you to catch up.
As you slump among the rocks sobbing for breath and
coughing blood, they say "You made it, ja?"
And, refreshed as they are by tea, crappenworst and,
perhaps, having flagellated themselves with pine branches,
they immediately stride off expecting you to follow.
My biggest problem with hiking is what does one take
on a weekend hike.
You daren't forget anything because hikers will never
share food. They never say "I'll bring the meat
and you bring the salad" because the person who
promises to bring the chops, for example, might forget
or doesn't pitch. That's why each person brings only
his or her own requirements. Nothing more and nothing
less.
I think it was Milton, in Paradise Lost, who said:
"Show me a soul crying in the wilderness and I'll
show you a hiker who's forgotten the booze."
A kind person has sent me some hiking/camping tips
which, dear reader, comes to you with my compliments.
- Old socks can be made into high fibre beef biltong
by smoking them over an open fire.
- When smoking a fish, never inhale.
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep
your feet warm. A hot pizza works almost as well,
but as the cheese cools it sticks between your toes.
- You'll never be awakened by the call of a hadeda
if you remember to switch off your cellphone.
- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for
years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded
by outdoors people. Its single blade functions as
a tiny canoe paddle.
- Wear modern fabrics that "breathe". Shirts
that sneeze and belch are irritating.
- You can experience the warmth of a down-filled
sleeping bag by climbing into a plastic rubbish bag
with several geese.
- Wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something
to wipe your nose on.
- In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood
can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
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