James Clarkes Tour de Farce

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What do you need?

I advise you to buy a bike so that you can cycle a little around the neighbourhood before you go. Maybe you can persuade a few friends to try it too and do the occasional longer ride - not that we ever did. I go round my suburban stockade at dawn when few cars are about and I do anything from 5 to 12 km.

But don't take your bike with you to Europe. It is so easy to hire one once you are there.

And there's no need to buy an expensive bike. I paid R2300 for mine and I have become very fond of it and, I like to think, it is quite fond of me. It has a flashing light fore and aft and in the half-light of dawn I look a bit like an emergency vehicle.
It also has an odometer that tells me how fast I am cycling; it tells my average speed; how far I've gone and a lot of other things that only my grandchildren can understand.

You can get mountain bikes for around R1000. Buy a crash helmet - it's not compulsory but it could save your life.

Try to cycle at least three times a week for 20 to 30 minutes. (I hardly trained at all before our First Tour de Farce and, as a result, the others had to wait for me from time to time for the first few days. It was amazing how quickly I improved.)
It is possible to go off on a tour with no training at all but you'll soon get saddle sore and will want to come home and stand up for the rest of your life.
One of our team, Alan Calenborne, says you should remove the driving

seat of your car and replace it with an anvil and sit on that - especially on a long journey because then you'll develop a hard backside.

Definitely you should buy a gel saddle to slip over the standard saddle. I take mine with me. And from now on I shall take my odometer too because few bike-hire firms fit them.

It definitely pays to buy a cycling shirt, the sort that breathe (as opposed to the sort that snort and wheeze) because they dry overnight in the bathroom but hang them upside down so the waistband quickly drains. Cycling shorts with a good quality chamois crutch are essential - I take two pairs.
According to our adviser, international champion cyclist Alan van Heerden of Bryanston (he owns a cycle shop at Grosvenor Crossing), it is a good idea on a long ride to rub eau-de-Cologne on your backside around midday (as a disinfectant) to avoid getting painful pimples. Don't forget to dilute it 50/50 with water because if you apply it raw it gives a sensation that is similar to sitting on a Weber.

Rather book and pay in South Africa in rands. I'll tell how further down.

When is the best time to go? We think May. It's well into the European spring, it's out-of-season in Europe therefore not only is it cool, but it is quiet and cheaper.

Tour de Farce III, in Italy, was in Autumn (September) and we found it hot. On the other hand the fruit is ripe and there's a lot of activity in the vineyards. But we still prefer spring with its fresh aromas.

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